No, Sweetie Darling, NO!!!

You can't see me right now, but I am swearing like a sailor on the high seas. We all already know that Fox is going to Hell in a handbasket for obvious reasons, but all the veins Bill O'Reilly has popped in the past, present, and future PALES in comparison to what I'm about to tell you.

Variety says Kristen Johnston is in talks to play Edina Monsoon in the pilot episode of the "American remake" of Absolutely Fabulous. Kristen was at a table read with Fox execs last Friday. Kathryn Hahn was also in the table read, but it's not known what role she helped butcher. I'm guessing Patsy?

You know who should play Edina and Patsy? Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley! And only them! Kristen Johnston is fine, but she's looking a little like a Manhattan tortured wife who eats pills instead of food.

"Well, maybe she will work then?," you naively say?
NO! She won't. Nobody will.

This is going to be the worst show in the history of television. This is what we do in America: we take amazing TV shows from other countries, ruin them, and try to find ways to get them canceled in record time.

(Although Kath & Kim is still breathing and I'm not sure why. I'll have to ask Satan that during our weekly conference call with Ronald Reagan...)

Instead of doing mounds of coke, they are going to get really "zany" on too much Red Bull. Instead of trying to have an orgy and failing, they are going to be humiliated during a speed dating session. It's going to be absolutely rated G...for GARBAGE!

I just want to tell the American version of AbFab to "take a holiday, darling. South of France."

*growls, stomps off*

Boo! No! Hiss!

Photo Credit: AP

Boo! And here I thought music had a chance again!

Reuters reports -- much to my chagrin -- that Creed is hammering out details for a lucrative 2009 reunion tour, sources tell Billboard. The Scott Stapp-led hard rock group, which was one of the top sellers of the past decade, has not performed since a rancorous split in June 2004.

Stapp promptly embarked on a solo career, while guitarist Mark Tremonti, drummer Scott Phillips and original bassist Brian Marshall formed Alter Bridge with vocalist Myles Kennedy and released two albums. Their 2004 Wind-Up debut, "One Day Remains," sold 496,000 copies in the United States, according to Nielsen SoundScan; a 2006 follow-up for Universal, "Blackbird," has moved 227,000.

But Kennedy is rumored to be the top contender to replace Robert Plant for a tour with Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones (oh, see, THAT really doesn't need to happen). And after a recent USO tour performing for American servicemen oversees, Stapp is said to be in prime physical and mental condition.

As such, there are "significant dollars" on the table for a Creed trek, according to sources close to the situation, who say an official announcement could be imminent. A spokesperson for Wind-Up tells Billboard, "There have been some talks, but it would be premature to comment on them at this time."

Creed has sold 26.1 million albums in the United States since 1997, according to Nielsen SoundScan. The group was also a significant touring presence, having grossed more than $70.3 million from 220 shows reported to Billboard Boxscore between Nov. 1997 and Dec. 2002.