Attention Parents and Young Children (Who Can Read): Don't Let Believers See This!!!
My girlfriend and I were shopping this weekend. The holiday crowds at the mall were unbelievable. But I noticed something even more unbelievable about the whole experience. On the first floor in the center foyer sat the big man in red - Santa Clause - set on a fake velvet throne in front of a cardboard castle.
I stood in front of that Santa, and from that position I could see two more. One sat on another less impressive throne in the department store, and the other on a folding chair in a Ritz Camera no more than 20 feet away. Unless Santa was cloned, and each clone looks different, that's proof positive that the big man does not exist.
How is it that children believe when we make so many subtle attempts to break the truth to them. It's everywhere. Think about it.
There's a different Santa at every mall. There are Santas of different ethnicities, heights, weights - Santas are like fingerprints : no two are the same.
If Santa brings all the presents, then why is there such an emphasis on Christmas shopping? Ok, so the absolute gift-giver is a bit improbable, I guess that could account for the Christmas rush.
When I was a child and still believed, I could easily tell which presents were from Santa and which ones were from my parents. The simple distinction was that my parents wrapped the presents they gave me, and Santa's immaculate gifts were unwrapped. Fooled me, until I found out that Santa wrapped my friend's gifts. Why didn't he wrap mine?
Another giant whole in the Santa conspiracy is the chimney. What if you don't have a chimney? What if you live in an apartment complex? Does he come in through the heating ducts?
I don't even want to think about home security alarms. With the techno-savvy world of today Santa would probably be arrested for B&E within an hour of making his delieveries.
So those are the holes in the cover story. If you haven't noticed, we try to break the news to the kids. These subtle hints are meant to make breaking the news a little easier.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause," would be "I Saw Daddy Murder Santa Clause" if the man in red were real. Daddy would be waiting next year for the big man after learning of his wife's infidelity from their child. But, oh wait - Santa is Dad dressed up. But why would Dad dress up as Santa? Unless....
Then there's my least favorite Christmas song "Santa Baby." Why would Santa give anything to such a "naughty" girl? The innuendo filled song is obviously a metaphor idealizing all the wrong elements of Christmas. Yet she get's presents.
If you do wanna see something cool be check out GoogleMaps on Christmas Eve. They have a Santa tracker that pin points the big man's position.
Tune in next time for "Why The Easter Bunny Wouldn't Make it Through the NRA Supporting South."
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