Why So Classy?

Before we discuss this mess, let me address something...

It's been brought to my attention by my editor and colleagues that my "Why So Classy?" postings have been horribly skewed towards women, thereby letting the men get off scot-free. While that wasn't my intention, I do see their point.

But I was wondering how I would be able to ameliorate this issue...when, lo and behold, this scumbaggery came into my Inbox. If that's not all kinds of awesome, I don't know what is.

So...onto this mess.

What do you suppose happens to you when you use Kim Kardashian as a urinal (sure, he could've gone to Home Depot to get a toilet like the rest of us mortals, but to my knowledge, the toilet has not yet been made that says, "Oh, yes, squirt me again, I'm a dirty girl, I deseeeerrrve it" when you pee inside it), your sister commits vehicular manslaughter, you date Whitney Houston while she's still married to Bobby Brown (the thought of a tape similar to the one made with Kardashian is NOT an easy visual to live with, let me tell you), AND you have a failed "music" career?

Do you get shunned by the general public? Do you get blacklisted in the entertainment industry? Do you, maybe, go back to school, maybe learn a trade, fade into obscurity with class?

NAAAAAHHHHH.
You call VH1 and they give you your own reality show!

After Flavor of Love 234,876 ended and Rock of Love 12,345 started, I thought there was no way they would do anymore dating shows. I thought it had all been done!

So imagine my surprise when I find out that, not only is there a show called TROPHY WIFE (featuring Sharon Osbourne's favorite whipping chick, Megan Hauserman -- click HERE for the casting call, and leave your dignity at the door), not only is there a show called DAISY OF LOVE (featuring a live version of Janice from The Muppets -- no, seriously, THIS is who you're competing for!), but, lo and behold, THIS scumbaggery!

It's called For the Love of Ray J, it features "rap star" Ray J, and it premieres on February 2nd (set your TiVos). It's the same premise as Flavor of Love. Ray J will muck through 14 uber skanks in the hopes of finding one that licks his...I mean, THE ONE HE TRULY LOVES. Yeah. That's it. True love.

You can go on over to VH1.com to see all 14, but these three are definitely WAY too classy for words (here I thought that Rock of Love chicks were the walking epitomes of grace and elegance. Imagine my surprise...):


CHARDONNAY: Yeah. More like Milwaukee's Best. I can't figure out if what's below her waistband is a tattoo, or a "happy trail." Either way, between the five head and the sculpted eyebrows, I have a feeling that this one's an ugly sight in the morning.


DANGER: Uh-huh. She has a tattoo. Of a LIZARD. (I originally thought it was a rat; it's a bearded desert dragon) ON HER FACE! What. The. HELL?!?

LIL'HOOD: Overall, not a bad looking girl. But it's the sweat stains under the armpit that REALLY push it over-the-top sexy. *shudder*

I have to admit that I feel sort of guilty every time I do a Why So Classy? post, because somewhere deep in my cold, black heart, I know I'm encouraging these trainwrecks to continue perpetuating all that is wrong with the world.

And inasmuch as I'd love to take each of these girls -- and Ray J -- over the coals for their trash-tastic behavior, the fact is, the blame lies with the 30-something breeders in my neighborhood & in Park Slope (Brooklyn) who produce this slop.

But still, the question begs itself:

RAY-J, BOO, WHY SO CLASSY?!?

Miss Why So Classy -- January 2009

I know I mentioned her before, but she's just so classy that she's earned the first-ever, bound to be immortal, Miss Why So Classy Award!

Once a month, I will suss through the troughs of trash-tastic television to find the few rare truffles such as these...and think of the marketing opportunities! The calendars! The spreads! The sponsorships! Fame, fortune, and stardom, all await you, my crown princesses!

This elegant creature was born Nikki Shamdassani. She also goes by DJ Lady Tribe and La Loka. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, she was a graffiti artist in Los Angeles, but went to jail too many times for it (nothing like suffering for your art), so she decided to become a DJ instead.

And now Nikki La Vida Loca is a national treasure for doing a shot from a test tube sticking out of another chick's PEREREICA on Rock of Love Bus.

Why did I pick her, so early in the month?
Well, look at her, really.
But what really sold me was her picture with Dakota Fanning on her MySpace site.

Seriously, it writes itself.

Congratulations, Nikki La Vida Loca -- you are Miss Why So Classy for the month of January!

The Good News and The Bad News

First, the good news: no one cares about The Hills anymore.

*does happy dance*

Variety reports that original episodes have tumbled 26% in the coveted 12-34 y.o. viewer demographic in the fourth quarter, compared with the same period last year.

Buh-bye Speidi and your fake marriage -- and your fake EVERYTHING, actually. (On a side note, it aggravates me to no end that these two fame-seeking, attention-hungry, vapid, otherwise-worthless morons can fake an entire marriage ceremony and be afforded more rights than a gay/lesbian couple who've been together for years and genuinely love each other...)

Now the bad news.

In the same article, Variety informs us that MTV is working on a bunch of new reality shows.

SIXTEEN new reality shows, to be exact!

*bangs head against wall*

Andy Dick Combats Intoxication With Reality Show

Andy Dick was arrested a while ago, wasted out of his mind, but no one was there with a camera. Well the comedian is making sure that the cameras are rolling while he cleans up his act. Dick is supposedly going to air his battle with straight edge living in a new reality show, Sober Living.

Dr. Drew is rumored to be on for the show, which will cage celebrities in a Beverly Hills mansion while being prodded for recovery or provoked for ratings.

I smell a new hit...

Real World-Road Rules Challenge Preview

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If you are sad that the Real World: Hollywood just ended their season, check out the preview for a new show coming to MTV this fall. It's the newest Real World/Road Rules Challenge show called The Island. Those reality/competition shows are always entertaining. Take a look at a crazy preview for the show above. Will you tune in and watch? It looks like cast members from Real World Hollywood are actually appearing as contestants so you will be hearing from them again, don't worry!

Skateboarder Ryan Sheckler Reportedly Injured

Professional skateboarder, Ryan Sheckler, has reportedly broken his arm. The star of his own MTV reality show, Life of Ryan, was set to compete in a skateboarding competition in the next few days. The injury definitely doesn't come at a very good time.

A source has said, "Multiple breaks to the arm have caused a bone chip to be a primary source of the continuous dislocations. The recent break has caused ligament damage and will surely force a reason for surgery, or at the very least, a plan for surgery in the near future. He has refused a cast and will compete in the Maloof Money Cup and upcoming DEW Tour in Cleveland, Ohio."

Skateboarding while injured?! What a brave (and silly) thing to do! Season 3 of Life of Ryan will air in late summer/early fall on MTV.

how to build a halfpipe

Kim Kardashian Works Out

Socialite and reality TV star Kim Kardashian looks good even when she's working out! Does anyone look that pretty when they go to the gym? I certainly don't! Ha! Kardashian, who is appearing in "Disaster Movie," out soon sported a aqua sports bra underneath a white tank top with a pair of black yoga pants and sneakers as she chatted on her mobile phone.

You can still catch reruns of episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians: Season 2 on E!

Ashley Dupré developing reality show

Ashley Dupré is developing a cable reality series, E! News reported. The former call girl gained fame through her involvement in the Eliot Spitzer scandal.

An unnamed source told E! that the 23-year-old has been developing a show with Los Angeles-based Handprint Entertainment, which has managed reality stars Nicole Richie and Pamela Anderson.

The source said that the series may be a dating show.

"They're talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila," a source close to the project told E!

A representative for Dupré said that she did not have a TV deal, but declined to comment on whether she is developing a series. Executives at Handprint Entertainment could not be reached for comment, and MTV declined to comment on the story.

Dupré was recently in the news for filing a lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for unjust enrichment and other offenses. Francis had publicly declared that he had, and wished to use, the footage of Dupré's 18th birthday party so that people could "learn the real truth about Ashley Dupré."

Dupré, whose complaint claimed she was drunk when she signed a release for Francis, abandoned the lawsuit last week.

"She has prospects for many exciting new projects and is looking forward to starting a new chapter," Richard C. Wolfe, Dupré's attorney, said in a statement Thursday.